With age, I try to be more organized: I put labels and names on my glass containers filled with lentils, nuts and nutritional yeast along with the best before dates and the place where I bought them.
I create lists of things to do and items to buy at the grocery store... even though I usually forget that specific list at home or in the car!
I also have a book where I like to write my top notch ideas. I never know when inspiration will hit me, so I like to be ready! One of the things I write in this book are ideas that I have for my blog. I find it helps to create room in my brain so more top notch ideas can come in!
So the topic I had in mind for this week’s blog post was about my new vegan toothpaste. I know, pretty deep stuff huh!?!
However, the events that happened this weekend quickly changed my interest and focus.
Here is the deal... Earlier this week, I developed some sort of sensitivity to one of the ingredients contained in the new natural toothpaste that I’d bought. Despite the discomfort I was feeling, I used it for a few days to see if it would pass, but in vain.
The funny thing is that during the process, I turned back to one of my default settings. By default setting I mean those ideas and thoughts that come very quickly in your mind and pass right under the radar of your awareness. Thoughts like: you suck, you are too clumsy, stand up straight, you will never amount to anything... you know, that kind of thoughts.
In my case, it was the ugly: “What’s wrong with me?” There it was, the question I’d asked myself for so - too - many years.
It took me time to realize that maybe I wasn't the problem... that maybe it was okay not to be in tune with a new toothpaste!!
You see, for the longest time, it was impossible for me to accept that the clothes I was trying on but didn’t fit were just not right for me... period. It wasn’t the clothes’ fault nor mine. It just was. But somehow, deep down, I believed that I should have been different... better, nicer, thinner here and more voluptuous there.
I was convinced that there was something inherently wrong with me, with my body in this case. How come I was not “normal” like everybody else! Because apparently, in my mind, I had already decided that I was the only person on planet earth that couldn’t fit in those clothes!!
Even though I had been working on this specific belief for a few years now and I had avoided its numerous attempts at befriending me, that clever little rascal used a simple daily routine to slip right by.
So, my intent this week was to talk about some beliefs we have that make us think and believe we should be a certain way... that we should be different... like everybody else. I know, it doesn’t make sense but I’m sure you understand what I’m talking about!!
And then... life happened.
If you read yesterday’s post on my Facebook page about my experience with the moose, you know how touched I was for that very special moment with such a majestic and adorably-clumsy animal. You know that long after our encounter, I was still somehow connected to him. And how much I was grateful for this awesome experience.
Well... a couple hours after writing this Facebook post, I learned that the animal had been tracked, trapped and unfairly killed. I was devastated.
There was no way I could now write about a toothpaste, my sensitive gums or my personal beliefs after such a tragedy!
But because I usually love writing this blog... I decided to try.
So I tried... and I tried.
Doesn’t matter how hard I tried to write something decent, my heart wasn’t there. I’ve always been extremely sensitive to the cause of animals and it’s not now that I would change.
Since I was not about to produce something good anytime soon, I decided to take Boo for his evening walk. That’s when awareness hit me. I realized that once again, I was doing the same thing... forcing myself to do something despite not feeling it, and despite being heartbroken.
And, guess what happens when I cannot make myself do something that I think I need to do? Yup, exactly! I roll my eyes and ask myself: “What’s wrong with me?”
Apparently that was the theme of the weekend! A major life lesson for me. I might not have a perfect mark on my next scorecard, but I know I am getting better at recognizing when I betray my feelings and doesn’t listen to my soul.
The fact is... there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect in all my imperfections!
I am just a person doing her best to grow, evolve and become a better human being. I may fall at times, but my awareness is growing and I have more compassion for myself.
Tonight, when I do my meditation, I will ask that moose to share some of his strength with me. Since I already have the clumsiness part going, I feel that it would be a great place to start!
My encounter with this beautiful animal was not a coincidence.
I deeply hope that all my stories in this blog and elsewhere will inspire more people to raise their awareness, as well as have more compassion for themselves and all the other sentient beings living around them.
RIP Mr Moose